A primary candidate's guide to South Carolina

If we're the new Iowa, y'all better get ready to kiss the peachoid

“WASHINGTON — President Biden and the Democratic National Committee are moving to radically reorder the party’s presidential process by making South Carolina the first primary state in 2024, followed in order by Nevada and New Hampshire, Georgia and then Michigan.”

- New York Times, Dec. 1, 2022

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So you want to be the president. Looks like your path to victory or humiliation begins here in South Carolina, the state I call home.

I think this arrangement is a bad idea, for the record — the rational system is to have all of the state primaries on the same day¹ — but if it’s fated to happen, I think you’ll need to answer an urgent question:

What is South Carolina’s butter cow?

Putting it more broadly, what is the South Carolina equivalent of the Iowa State Fair, the gauntlet of debasement we’ll force you and all the other wannabes to pass through?

I have some ideas. Here, future presidents of the United States of America, is a local’s guide to campaigning in the Wonderful Iodine State:

Kiss the peachoid

William Weston

You’re gonna need to rent a bucket truck somewhere in the Gaffney area for this one, or else dangle yourself from a helicopter. You’ll need to find the crevasse — you’ll know it when you see it — and you’ll need to really crane your neck to get in there and give it a big wet smooch. Sorry, I don’t make the rules. It’s tradition. Pay your respects.