I would like to be Clemson's head football coach
I'm looking at Dabo Swinney's salary and I have some ideas
“But as far as paying players, professionalizing college athletics, that's where you lose me. I'll go do something else, because there's enough entitlement in this world as it is.”
—Clemson Head Football Coach Dabo Swinney, June 2014
I am the South Carolina Arts Commission and I would like to be the next head football coach at Clemson University. The Tiger Band needs new uniforms and Dabo’s base salary of $8.3 million would more than octuple my annual state grant funding.
I am The Crumbling Facilities of Abbeville High School and I would like to be Clemson’s next head football coach. I have some exciting ideas for the program, such as replacing the fire alarms that don’t work anymore and fixing the roof rather than patching over it again.
Did I mention I look really cool in an orange hat?
My name is A Fleet of Flammable School Buses Built in the 1990s and I would like to be Clemson’s next football coach. Think of the drills I could run with the O-line!
My name is The 8.4% of South Carolina Bridges That Have Been Rated “Structurally Deficient” and I would like to be Clemson’s next football coach. I promise to give spicy quotes in interviews.
As your next coach I promise to find and recruit another handsome quarterback with pretty blonde hair!
I am Fairfield Memorial Hospital and the Three Other Rural Hospitals That Have Closed Since South Carolina Rejected Medicaid Expansion, and I would like to be Clemson’s next football coach. As head coach I will set a good example for the team by saving the lives of Black mothers, who are dying in childbirth at a higher rate than mothers in Mexico, Uzbekistan, and Syria.
I am The North Charleston High School Principal Who Had to Start Working Night Shifts at Walmart to Help His Students’ Families Make Ends Meet and I would like to be Clemson’s next football coach.
My name is $6.1 Billion Worth of Overdue Infrastructure Repairs To Ensure Clean Drinking Water for All South Carolinians and I would like to be Clemson’s next football coach.
As your next football coach I will not pitch a fit about paying athletes for their labor while personally pulling in 282 times the per-capita income of people in my state. I just think it’s a bad look, that’s all.
Photo credit: LambeauLeap80