House passes bill to combat Goose Creek Syndrome

'Definitely a real thing,' intelligence sources say

WASHINGTON — A bill to provide financial support to U.S. government personnel suffering from Goose Creek Syndrome is headed to President Joe Biden’s desk after the House passed it Wednesday.

Symptoms of the mysterious illness include lethargy, minor headaches, decreased libido, and heightened sensitivity to AM radio talk shows. Among the 214 confirmed cases to date, 3 victims have suffered from chronic swamp ass.

Public health officials have not settled on a definitive list of symptoms, a motive for the attacks, or a mechanism by which foreign actors could be causing the illness of U.S. intelligence agents. In anonymous interviews, multiple sources within the intelligence community have insisted Goose Creek Syndrome is “definitely a real thing” and “the most pressing health crisis of our time.”